Early next month, AskMen will reveal its Top 99 Most Desirable Women Of 2011. It will be a list full of jaw-dropping beauties, noted intellectuals and chicks with big breasts. But as a stark reminder that with light comes darkness, we must first explore the 10 women who failed to light our collective fires. Some wasted their once unlimited potential, while others, sadly, were born this way. So without further ado, please enjoy our selection of the top 10 least desirable women of 2011 -- and remember, without the sour, the sweet ain’t as sweet.
No.10 Danielle Staub
Danielle can now add AskMen’s Least Desirable Women of 2011 to her resume, right under “former star of The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” “amateur sex tape maker,” “former junkie,” and “ex-con.” Why did she make our list, you ask? Please see above.
No.9 Holly Madison
What on earth is a Playboy Playmate doing on this list, you ask? Well, instead of handling the engagement of her former beau, Hugh Hefner, to fellow Playmate Crystal Harris with class and dignity, Holly Madison crudely exclaimed to Life & Style, “Basically, I think he could do better.” Ouch, Holly. Everybody knows that the only thing less attractive than a 24-year-old Playmate married to an 84-year-old man is a bitter former Playmate who wishes she was.
No.8 Madonna
Madonna has been out of the news until recently, when Piers Morgan announced that he will ban the Material Girl from ever appearing on his new CNN chat show. Judging by the hour-long show’s already plummeting ratings, Madonna won’t need the added publicity. What alarmed us were the photos of Madge most news outlets used when covering the story, which showed a bee-stung face so altered by Botox (and Lord knows what else) and were such a far cry from the Madonna of old -- the queen of forbidden sexuality -- that we get misty-eyed just thinking about it. Does anyone have a hot tub time machine?
No.7 Lindsay Lohan
It’s no secret that Lindsay Lohan has had her struggles with the white wizard for the majority of her career (or what’s left of it). Fresh from her umpteenth stint in rehab, the former biggest female star on the planet has a long way to go before she re-earns a spot in our hearts -- and in our spank banks. We’re rooting for you, Lindsay, because the only person who misses it when you lounge on the beach in a bikini more than you is us.
No.6 Heidi Montag
There was a time when Heidi Montag embodied the sun-stroked blond that came to define the West Coast over the years. Then she met something called Spencer, and things went downhill, culminating in a miserable 2010, which saw Montag’s horrific addiction to plastic surgery hit a new low. In an issue of Life & Style, the modern-day Frankenstein revealed a variety of scars from botched surgeries and begged for her old body back. Her sudden self-awareness helped redeem the once-clueless reality star, but it’s still a case of too little too late (or in this case, too much). When the Beach Boys wished they all could be California girls back in 1965, we doubt Heidi’s what they had in mind.
No.5 Ke$ha
The success of Lady Gaga proved that the days of pop-stars-as-pinups has officially come to an end. But behind her often grotesque aesthetic lies the promise of high art and impassioned expression. With Ke$ha -- who many likened to Gaga when she first broke -- it’s simply a case of an A&R department constructing an image that taps into every trope of what might be considered “cool.” Everything from the torn stockings to the teased hair seems fabricated and has Ke$ha looking more like a robot gone haywire instead of a new kind of sex symbol. Maybe she should stop brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack?
No.4 Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus showed promise; she really did. With every major pop star or starlet crumbling around her, Cyrus entered adulthood with a plethora of examples of what not to do. Since turning 18, though, Cyrus’ wardrobe has shrunk tenfold; provocative photos of her were “stolen” and plastered all over the internet; she’s been caught on tape doing drugs and laughing maniacally; and her public persona shows no signs of maturing (and remains as grating as ever). The arrival of a Miley Cyrus sex tape is not a matter of “if” but “when.”
No.3 Khloe Kardashian
If we ran into Khloe Kardashian awash in the dim light of a VIP room, under the influence of multiple shots of Ciroc, we might be tempted to compliment her hairdo and maybe even offer a kiss, as we'd be too drunk to recall her marriage to the behemoth hoopster Lamar Odom. But in the harsh light of day with the cold truth of sobriety in tow -- and especially with her next to her two far more alluring sisters, Kim and Kourtney -- well, let’s just say she’s not “the pretty one” for a reason.
No.2 Snooki
If there’s one redeeming quality about Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, it’s that she knows who (what?) she is and doesn’t give a damn what you think about it. For those of you who don’t know (and considering Jersey Shore’s massive ratings this season, there’re not many), let us help: She’s a short, stubby, loud-mouth alcoholic who’s garish wardrobe is matched only by her reprehensible taste in men (those of the juiced-up gorilla variety) and by her ability to discuss her own flatulence with the aplomb of a college professor. Her love of pickles may be the most attractive thing about her. Now that’s saying something.
No.1 Sarah Palin
We’ll be the first to admit that Sarah Palin can be construed as sexy, especially if you’re into that whole right-wing-extremist-who-loves-to-hunt-and-just-happens-to-look-like-a-porn-star-masquerading-as-a-librarian thing. Unfortunately Palin was given the gift of speech, and every time she opens her mouth to spew anti-Obama rhetoric, she adds at least one beer on the Molson scale (a determinant of how many beers need to be consumed before one beds her). Her much-maligned speech addressing the tragedy in Arizona -- in which she foolishly evoked the derogatory term “Blood Libel” in her own defense -- was the last straw. Don’t worry, Todd; we’re sure she picks up the checks.
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